


Well, You Tried, Computer

by CaffeinaShips



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Tablet, Case Fic, Gen, if you imagine it, maybe hinted bi dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 11:28:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12387168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinaShips/pseuds/CaffeinaShips
Summary: This Fic is a word salad. I strongly suggest you keep scrolling.





	Well, You Tried, Computer

“Explain what the hell we’re doing here again?” 

Dean was understandably irritable after weeks of nonsense and brain teasers.

“We’re translating the Angel Tablet and undoing all demon deals.” 

Sam was remarkably calm and focused. Dean had the annoying suspicion that Sam was enjoying these last few weeks. Suddenly Dean flashed back to a happy pre-teen Sam doing crossword puzzles in the back of the Impala while Dean was bored out of his mind. He had a strong urge to kick Sam.

“Well it sucks, and your computer sucks, and Angel Tablets suck, and this damn plan sucks.”

Sam straightened up and put his finger on the map.

“Check this out. I think I got it.”

“Crom Pregnancy Hospital.” Dean read. 

“I think that’s where we’ll find our Seeping Baby Man, or our Captive Something Bachelor.” 

Sam answered, looking a little pleased with himself. 

“And you think that’s a metaphor for…?”

Dean waited for an answer but all he got from Sam was a shrug of his shoulders. 

“But get this” Sam continued undaunted “Crom Cruach was a pre-Christian Irish God who took human sacrifices. I bet this Seeping Baby Man will be some sort of sacrifice!”

Dean sighed. Fine. They would investigate a pregnancy hospital. Why not. This whole damn plan had been one outlandish mess after another. 

Months ago they had managed to steal an Angel Tablet from a demon. After some moderate torture the demon had confessed it had the power to erase demon deals. All demon deals. But with no prophet to interpret it they had tossed it aside in Bunker storage. Soon they hit a dry spot on cases and Sam set his mind to creating a computer program to translate the Tablet. They both assumed it would be impossible, but after a few weeks of diligent work Sam succeeded in translating the damn thing. Sort of. Each set of symbols caused the computer to spit out a few nnonsense phrases. 

They had almost given up when they met a scandinavian man named Alex Glord who was blind. Alex had been blinded recently and it seemed that everything he attempted to do went horribly wrong. The Winchesters discovered he had been given a cursed figurine of the Virgin Mary. Suddenly the sentence fragments Glord in the Dark and Can’t Good that the computer had spit out together made much more sense. They kept the statue in a curse box at the Bunker now, and took the computer more seriously. 

Their next breakthrough had been when Dean had stumbled on the information that jumping people outside of banks and robbing the money they just withdrew was called Jugging in Houston Texas, and no one knew why it was called that. So they followed the set of clues clumped together by the computer The Juggers, A Perfect Giantess, and I Hate the Marine. 

They discovered a small ring of muggers in Houston, including one Amazon, robbing people in Texas. At first it seemed as though the Amazon woman was in charge of the three humans, bullying them and making them cooperate. This didn’t really fit with the Winchester experience of Amazons. After following them for a while they discovered that in fact a retired Marine was using a talisman to control the Amazon who was then controlling the humans. The Winchesters were happy to relieve him of the talisman, and the Amazon, once freed, was pretty quick to relieve him of his life. Dean almost felt kinda bad about having to kill the Amazon. Again. Now the Winchester’s had two magical objects. 

The next clues were Crassion and Undercover Movercum. The Winchesters were stumped until Dean happened to hear about a fashion line of feminine looking silks and scarves named Crassion suddenly skyrocketing in popularity. Investigating the head of the fashion line they discovered she was using a hex bag to sap the virility from the men who drove the delivery trucks for her merchandise. She infused her products with that stolen energy to appeal to women. Now the Winchesters had three magical items and Dean was really getting annoyed. 

First of all Dean hated witches. They were vicious, they fought in a way Dean considered cheating, and they were unhygienic. Second, he was sick of decoding weird, cryptic messages from the damn computer every time they wanted to hunt something. Third, he’d weirdly really liked the witch’s merchandise, and had felt oddly attracted to the silks in a way that Sam hadn’t seemed to be. He was really annoyed to discover her secret ingredient. 

At Dean’s suggestion they used a location spell for the next group of sentence fragments. Seeping Baby Man, and Captive Something Bachelor. The burning map had lead them to this New England town, but hadn’t provided additional details. This hospital was their best bet. 

There were two more sets of clues after this one. Nookan’s Buttymance, Falling For Her Doorstep, and Unchristible were grouped together. Unofortunately Nookan seemed to be a place in Iran, so they were putting that one off for last. The other set of clues, A Risk Worth Dad, Never Happened, and Romancy Heart, worried Dean. He wasn’t sure who’s dad was being risked, but he was pretty sick of risking family.

“Fine.” Dean grumbled. “Let’s scout the place.”  
He wasn’t even sure what they were going to do with all this magical loot. He just had to hope when they gathered them all together an answer would appear.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I didn't follow the rules exactly, but I'm hoping @thayerkerbasy will appreciate the spirit of that. Plus my research was on point.
> 
> *Edit: This was for SPNColdesthits October Challenge. The nonsense phrases were supposed to be titles to choose from. Instead of choosing a title I just wrote them all in.


End file.
